NOV 26, 2012

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A Simple Solution for the National Debt


After hearing for the hundredth time that running up our country’s debt is a burden that will be passed down to our grandchildren, the solution to the problem finally came to me. It’s so simple! We don’t have to be prudent about our spendthrift ways. We just need to have more grandchildren.

As long as there are grandchildren in the world, there need be no consequences for the trillions of dollars of debt we’ve rung up.

How do we get more grandchildren? We might consider giving bonuses to those of our children that reproduce at a faster rate than normal. After all, we could put off actually paying for these bonuses, until our grandchildren’s time. Or, we could import some from friendly neighbors like Canada or Mexico.

Once the extra grandchildren are actually here, it is well to consider that considerable sums of money are usually given to newborns by doting friends, parents and relatives. Confiscating these monies will give us a great head start toward being debt free.

It will also be necessary for us to be given a little rhythm on child labor laws. Now, it is obscene to make babies work and sweat over excessive labor. All civilized societies gave that up long ago. No, no babies at hard labor. Four years old could be the minimum age allowed. Wait, make that five.

The taxes we can take out of the wages of this enormous cohort of grandchildren will go a long way toward retiring our obligations to the Chinese. However, we need to do this judiciously. We could probably allow an exemption from higher taxes to any child earning $250,000 a year or more. Any tax money lost from this provision will be more than offset by the boost to the economy in spending on milk, diapers and cribs. Not to mention all the great jobs that will be provided for nannies and au pairs!

Now some may say it is unfair to saddle our grandchildren with such enormous burdens of debt. Well, aren’t we so burdened? There’s an obvious solution to our grandchildren’s problem: they must have grandchildren of their own. As long as there are grandchildren, there will be an efficient system for retiring debt.

We only have to point to the Founding Fathers to see a successful example of shunting a problem off to their grandchildren. If they in their great wisdom could do it, why won’t the idea work for us?

After all, they wisely decided, let’s leave the slavery problem to our grandchildren to resolve. And look how well that turned out!

(Note to grandparents: the above is intended as satire. No actual grandchildren were dunned for the writing of this article.)

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